Still Here

Photo by Ahmet Yüksek

I almost quit. Not just writing – I mean I nearly let the chaos of the last month and a half swallow up everything we’ve been building here. A lot has happened since my last post. I had just gotten into a groove – five posts in a little over a month. I had been holding off on committing to weekly posts due to the extreme disorder in our lives, beginning with my chronic health issues, but after that stretch I finally updated my bio and the publication description to indicate a “weekly(ish)” tempo. Then life happened. I got acutely sick, on top of my chronic illness. That completely wiped out a couple of weeks. Then, events in my oldest son’s life necessitated some changes for him that are affecting our day-to-day life in dramatic ways. I have also had to deal with the fact that not everyone is happy about my writing. Some family members, in particular, are quite displeased. I’m not going to stop writing, but I’ve had to pause and reckon with that.

To be honest, these haven’t felt like mere disruptions, but like seismic shifts. My son’s life will never be the same. Nor will mine, if I’m being honest with myself. And the disconnects between me and some of my family members are significant. Even my physical health isn’t the same, poor as it already was. Brain fog, memory loss, and other cognitive deficits threaten my ability to get through a normal, low-key weekend with no demands on me, much less write anything with clarity. I struggle to explain it even to myself, but add it all together and it almost feels like I should just jettison my writing. It’s simply too much. And in the past, I might have done exactly that.

Why is this time different? I think this time I know how it turns out. I’ve seen this before. Trauma, relational dysfunction, poor health – things get in the way and cause discontinuity. I abandon the plan – it’s not working. But at some point, I’m going to have to try again. If not writing, then something else. So this time, I’m choosing stubbornness. That’s something I have experience with too – running on a broken bone in my foot, weight lifting with a torn labrum in my shoulder, training to the point of vomiting, again and again. Sometimes it’s like something breaks inside of me, and quitting isn’t an option. I feel like I would rather die than quit, even if I fail. I feel that now.

This time is different for other reasons too. Flourish does exist in part because there are things inside of me that I feel I need to express, but the bigger reason is that I believe that in expressing those things I will be an encouragement to others. It feels like my pain is too heavy to carry if it only serves me. But if the purpose of my pain is to bring healing to others, it could be worth it.

That will only happen if I can express these things, if others can read them, and that can help them in their own pain. I have to keep writing – I must. I don’t know when my mind will feel normal again, when I will be able to remember and think clearly, and not feel like I’m in a dense fog so thick that I can’t see my hand in front of my face. I don’t know when or if my family members will come to understand that my writing is meant to bring healing. I don’t know when, if, or how my son’s life will be pieced back together. (Or mine – his adolescent trauma mirrors my own and I’m still picking up the pieces).

But I know I can’t let that uncertainty hold me back. I can’t let brokenness own me. I can’t let what I’ve lost take away what I have left. I’m going to keep doing whatever I can to regain my mind, and use what I still have as long as I can form words. I’m going to pray and work toward reconciliation with my family. I’m going to be there for my son as he picks up the pieces. I’m learning that showing up for him — broken as I am — is part of how I pick up my own. And I’m going to keep writing about it.

In the meantime, thank you for understanding the long lapse in my writing. For understanding how life can throw us off course and make it seem impossible to go forward. Maybe your life has also been eventful lately. What are you struggling to bounce back from? What do you use to steel your resolve when life happens? I would love to hear from you and be an encouragement to you.